Friday, May 8, 2020
One Communication Trait That Reveals Something Very Unflattering and Hurtful About You - Kathy Caprino
One Communication Trait That Reveals Something Very Unflattering and Hurtful About You Part of Kathys new series Healing Your Heart Thereâs one communication behavior that Iâve seen over and over in my own life and relationships, and now Iâm hearing about it often from my clients, friends and from members of my courses and programs. I learn of it frequently too from adult children of narcissists or folks whoâve grown up with emotional manipulation and pain in their families. Itâs a rampant communication behavior, yet most people donât talk about it openly, or even know whats happened when it hits them. Theyre stunned, saddened, and hurt, but cant sort out why its occurred. But I can tell you from experience that if you display this communication trait, youâre hurting people, making life-long enemies, damaging othersâ self-esteem, and burning bridges. And youâre revealing a great deal about you thatâs unflattering, negative and hurtful, that youâll most likely want to revise. I call this trait âknife-in-the-wound reactivity.â Hereâs an example: Carol is sitting with her friend Emily whoâs struggling deeply in parenting her daughter whose behavior is out of control. Carol listens for a long time, hours even, trying to be helpful and empathic, and be a good friend. Finally, in an effort to show empathy for Emily and validate that she isnât alone in her parenting struggles, Carol reveals something vulnerable about her own life and parenting, saying, âI really know what you mean. When my son was that age, he was so difficult to discipline â" heâd react terribly when I tried to set important rules, and hed fight back hard.â Instead of being comforted, Emily reacts harshly by stabbing a knife through Carolâs vulnerability, rubbing salt in the old wound. Emily lets rip a hurtful comment, something like this: âYeah, I remember that when your son was a complete horror. I thought âWow, heâs out really of control.â Carol feels devastated. First, shes stunned because, in response to her efforts to comfort and console Emily, sheâs slammed down by her friend. Then, she learns something hurtful that she never knew her friend felt about her in the first place. Thirdly, sheâs left wondering why this happened why, in an effort to be kind, she is attacked. Whatâs going on here? As a therapist, Iâve see this pattern often in couples who are struggling and enraged with each other. As a career coach, Iâve seen this too among friends, parents and children, and siblings, colleagues and bosses as well. The trait that Iâm referring to here is present in individuals who are suffering from faltering self-esteem, and internal rage and resentment at how their life and relationships have unfolded. Theyâre seething with jealousy of others, and theyâre secretly angry at everyone. They feel like their life is a disaster compared to their friends and family members who seem to have it âbetterâ and âeasier.â They feel Facebook, for instance, is so very hard because everyoneâs life looks better, happier and easier than theirs. Hereâs what I know about individuals who engage chronically in âknife-in-the-wound reactivity:â They want to lash back at others and the world, and canât help themselves from hurting others the way they feel hurt. Theyâre highly anxious, and havenât yet gained the capability and skill to manage and regulate their anxiety or emotions. Their self-esteem is fragile and even broken. and theyâre working so hard not to let that show, but it bleeds out. They feel that efforts from others to be helpful only puts salt in their own wounds, because they feel âless thanâ once again when someone is trying to help. Finally, they never really feel âgood enough,â ever. Itâs probable that each of us on the planet has reacted in this way at one point or another in our lives. But if weâre healthy, in touch with our feelings, and our self-esteem is intact, we recognize when weâve hurt others, and we feel badly about it. And then we do something concrete to address the problem, and make amends. But if this describes the way you habitually behave, itâs time to do something about it. Most humans are aware of when theyâre hurting others, but narcissists and other emotional manipulators arenât as aware. Theyâre so fragile themselves that they canât help (or donât even care) that theyâre leaving body parts in their wake. If youâve displayed this behavior frequently â" either in the far past or recently â" itâs time to take some bold action to repair it. Brave up and be stronger, and take control. Apologize from the heart and soul. Get in touch with why you feel you need to lash back at people who are trying to help. And look at why you feel so angry and resentful of others, and the world. Then own up to it. Get some help to shift and heal your pain, and start on the critical process of healing and recovery. You can do it, and youll see a difference in your life and relationships immediately when you do. For more information on healing hurtful behavior, visit my Facebook group Thriving After Narcissism. To heal hurts in your career, work with me and listen to my weekly podcast Best Work/Best Life.
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